Trusting My Ears

We had our piano tuned in November. When the girls come home, they enjoy playing some of their favorite songs as well as Christmas music and complain if the piano hasn’t been tuned, so this year I did manage to get the tuning scheduled and done.

While trimming the Christmas tree, I started thinking about the Christmas concert at the high school and the tradition they have carried out for many years of singing “Beautiful Savior” to close the concert. They invite choir alumni on stage to sing this hymn with the present choir and then the audience is invited to join in for the final verse.

I was never a soloist, but I participated in choir at high school and church through my junior year. Now with my cochlear implants, I have been trying to listen to my own voice and get the confidence back to sing. Since the piano had recently been tuned, I decided to pick out the melody of “Beautiful Savior” and try matching my voice to the notes. My thoughts were, “My piano is in tune, my hearing is great with my cochlear implants, this should work.”

As I picked my way through the first verse, I felt I was doing pretty good at matching my voice to the notes, but it sounded a bit off. I stopped singing and played the melody one note at a time and one spot sounded off to me, so I played the top two notes at a time, still off. Because I was unsure if I could trust my digital ears to be an accurate judge of whether or not a piano is in tune, I asked my husband when he came home to listen to the notes I was playing and tell me what he thought. To my surprise he said, “Yep, that one note sounds like it could be a little off.”

I emailed our piano tuner and he said he would come back and check it out. Our piano was Paul’s mother’s and is quite old. This piano has not been tuned regularly in the past ten years so it is not unusual for the tuning not to hold. The piano tuner came back, made some adjustments and now it sounds as good as the old piano can.

I have known for a while now that I would prefer a new digital piano and someday I hope to have one. From this old piano I learned that my new hearing is pretty awesome and I can trust what I think I hear. I remember the notes and how they are suppose to sound and my brain sings in tune. Now if my ears and my brain and my voice would all work together - maybe I could be that soloist I have always wanted to be. (*Dream*)

Beautiful Blogger Award

Beautiful Blogger Award & Nominations!

Speak Up Librarian nominated me for this award and I am honored. Thank you Speak Up Librarian.

Now here's my job:
The rules:
1) Thank the person who nominated me for this award.
2) Copy the award & place it on my blog.
3) Link to the person who nominated me for this award.
4) Tell us 7 interesting things about yourself.
5) Nominate 7 bloggers.
6) Post links to the 7 blogs I nominate.

Okay, here we go. I may be repeating some nominations, but it can't be helped.

(1) Speak Up Librarian - It is always a joy to read her reviews of books or television shows, check out her pictures and share her thoughts about the challenges of being hearing impaired.

(2) Mog Renewed - Has shared her journey from choosing to get a cochlear implant, waiting for the day and now discovering the sound it brings her. She punctuates this with delightful pictures and ancedotes.

(3) Jelly - You know you will get cupcakes, but the variety is a constant surprise!

(4) My CI is Amazing - A friend that I met on another forum, she shares her experience and offers her caring support to others with the same hearing challenges.

(5) Laura's Medical Journey - Another brave woman facing challenges with a great attitude and sense of humor.

(6) Surround Sound - A cochlear implant user and busy Mom that shares her hearing experiences and supports others in their hearing journeys.

(7) Elliott's Journey - Ellliott's mom does a great job of sharing their journey as her adorable son learns and lives life with his cochlear implants.

"Tell us 7 interesting things about yourself"

Interesting, hhmmm, is that one of those things that's in the eyes of the beholder?

(1) I was a Brownie, then a Girl Scout and finally a Cadet.

(2) I sang in the church and school choirs until my last year in high school when I failed to make the Concert Choir.

(3) I wanted to be a Wave in the Navy, but by the age of 18 my hearing loss had progressed to the point where I couldn't pass the physical.

(4) I had a motorcycle when I was 19.

(5) After a van hit me when I was driving my motorcycle, I traded it in for a Fiat X19 (2 seater sports car) - I loved that car!

(6) From the time I started thinking I would be a mother someday, I always knew I would have three girls. I just knew.

(7) The man I married was my kindergarten sweetheart. He kissed me at the drinking fountain and I told the teacher!

Christmas Preparations

The Christmas lights keep blowing fuses
The house is a dusty mess
Even if I’m weary
I will not take any rest

I must power clean and decorate
The house is waiting for me
To give it shine and polish
And the glow of a Christmas tree

Christmas Day is coming
And I certainly won’t be bored
With lots of family here
To celebrate the birth of our Lord.

Young and old will gather
In the largest room
We will remember the birth of Jesus
This day is coming soon

So I begin my preparations
In anticipation of the fun
To celebrate His coming
The Truth, the Light, The One.

Thanksgiving

I have been trying for several days to put into words

The thankfulness I feel, for all that I have heard

The words keep escaping me

They never seem enough

So it seemed there was only one thing left

A picture of my cup.

This Is Who I Am

Sometimes a dream can seem so real that when you wake up you wonder if it happened. I had a dream like that last night and what I dreamt is impossible, but it seemed so real. I dreamt that my husband was leaving for work, on his way down the stair he said over his shoulder, “Good-bye,” and I responded, “Good-bye,” and then it hit me, I didn’t have my processors on. I said, “I heard that!” and Paul, knowing that I wasn’t hooked up, turned right around and came back upstairs. He was talking to me and I was repeating back to him what he was saying almost word for word. I would miss one now and then, but still we were thinking how could this be? 

After I was completely awake and thinking about this dream I realized it was like dreams I had after I quit smoking. I would dream that I smoked and then in the morning wonder if I did. I didn’t want to start again so I would be relieved that it was just a dream. I guess we dream about what we miss and I think I was missing those spontaneous moments that happen at the beginning or end of the day when I might not have my hearing prothesis on.

This dream surprised me and it feels like it came at an odd time. On the last Saturday we spent at our cabin before closing it up for the winter season, I felt like I had crossed a threshold. I got up that morning and Paul was preparing to take the boat to the storage place. He indicated that he was leaving and I knew I had at least an hour to myself. My normal routine in the morning is to get ready for the day and get my hearing on first thing. On this particular morning, knowing I didn’t need to communicate with anyone for awhile, I decided to relax in my comfortable pajamas, and linger over breakfast and coffee while I enjoyed the vision of the lake outside my window. Sitting in the silence, I came to realize that I have finally found peace with my deafness. 

It is okay. This is who I am.

I am a woman who puts on her hearing in the morning

and takes it off at night. 

I am a woman who sleeps in total silence

and wakes to the morning light. 

When I look out the window to see what kind of day it will be, 

I may notice the birds in the branches of a nearby tree.

I need not wonder if they are chirping or singing a song,

even though I knew their silence many years long.

It is now in my blessings a matter of choice,

If I want to hear birdsongs or the beautiful human voice.

The sounds of life are mine to have no matter the place,

And the silence is mine to choose, to reject or embrace.

A Gutsy Girl

I first met Kristin on Hearing Journey. Today her cochlear implant is being activated. Kristin's road to this day has been bumpy due to other health issues and she has hurdled or gone around every road block. To read her story go to The Telegraph Hearing Blog.

Choosing a Cochlear Implant

You are at a point in your life where you have to make a life altering decision and choose a cochlear implant either for yourself or your child. Where do you start?

I had to make that decision eight years ago. After going through all the testing and qualifying for the cochlear implant, the audiologist gave me all the brochures he had from each of the companies and answered the questions I had that day. An appointment was then scheduled with a surgeon.

While the surgeon was willing to answer any questions l had about each appliance, he would not advise me in a way that indicated any favoritism of one company’s product over another’s. We picked the date for the surgery and then he said, “You will have to let us know which implant you want two weeks before the surgery.”  

Whether they realized it or not, both the audiologist and the surgeon gave me body language clues as to which product they thought was the best at the time. Since I was good at reading visual communication due to my hearing loss, those clues did not get past me.

Armed with my brochures, the answers I got from my audiologist and surgeon, I went home to read and discuss with my husband which implant to choose.

Eight years ago, that is what I had to work with to make my decision. I had to rely on the integrity of the companies whose brochures were going to tell me all about their cochlear implant. I knew what was most important to me and I was able to figure out which implant I wanted. I know I made the right decision and I am very happy with my cochlear implants and the company that makes them.

In the time that has passed since I had to choose a cochlear implant, independent studies have taken place and now a person trying to figure out which cochlear implant to choose has more information available to them when making their decision. The key here is to make sure you have an independent report and not a report that has been construed to favor a company that didn’t do well in the study.

Advanced Bionics made my cochlear implants. I received my first one in 2001 and had the other side done in 2007. The number one thing on my list when I was choosing my first implant was the ability to upgrade without surgery; to have an implant with internal technology that would grow with the science and that is what I have. There is six years between my two implants and I have modern cutting-edge technology on both sides and love the hearing I get with my two implants. My older implant was able to upgrade to the technology I was getting with my newer model on the other side. How great is that? 

For anyone making the decision today, it is still a difficult decision with even more information to peruse. As I learn more about the technology and advances, I know that Advanced Bionics would still be my choice today.

Click here to read an excellent and well researched article about choosing an implant.

Vaulted Ceilings and Wood Floors

Where I live, the popular home design for quite a while now has been vaulted ceilings and wood floors. I cannot think of another design in home planning that is more unfriendly to the hearing impaired except maybe smooth tile with vaulted ceilings. 

I really enjoy hearing with my cochlear implants and in most situations I hear very well. In my own home I have a combination of carpet and brick tile and my ceilings are flat and eight feet high. Sound doesn’t bounce or echo like it does in homes that I have been in with wood floors and vaulted ceilings. 

I find these homes to be so irritating the way sound bounces around that it is getting difficult for me to enjoy going to the homes of friends or family with vaulted ceilings and smooth floors. I don’t want to limit my social life again due to hearing issues when it seems like I have just gotten it back, but more and more I find myself in this situation as friends and family buy or build new homes.

Why are acoustics in home design ignored? Why is this design so popular? The world is  noisy enough without creating a situation in your home where noise is amplified. Do others think about the acoustics in their home or is it all about big space?

In my home I want cozy, warm, conversational space. No vaulted ceilings or floors that bounce sound for me.

Weeds!

On Saturday I found myself thinking about sounds that I had never thought about before. Weeding a garden has sounds of its own. Weeds with a shallow root don’t make a lot of noise but you can hear the soil drop off and sprinkle back to the ground in a soft patter. Most weeds though have a deeper root that is solidly embedded in the soil. As I wrapped my gloved fingers around the base of the unwanted plant and tugged, it would make a soft cracking noise as it began to give up its hold on the soil and then with a loud snap would give its final release. Craaacckckck snap! Craaacckckck snap! I heard over and over as I released my pretty flowers from the encroaching weeds. 

I spent most of Saturday doing that as we had been gone a lot and my gardens had become a poor sight. They are looking better now and still in need of work. I’m making plans for moving perennials this fall which seems to be fast approaching. I would love to figure out a way to make my flower gardens maintenance free; however, I did find the weeding to be therapeutic as I put the unpleasant vegetation into the bin.

It Feels Good to Feel Normal

Yesterday was eventful with two experiences to remind me how fortunate I am to have hearing with my cochlear implants.

It started out with a trip to the grocery store. I was driving down Main street when I noticed a motorcycle behind me. I “see” motorcycles because I used to have one and I try to be very aware as I was hit by an unaware driver on mine. So, I was keeping an eye on this guy as we left the changed light to move through the next block. Half way up the block I decided to take a right turn at the next light and I needed to change lanes. As I was preparing to signal and move over, I “heard” the motorcycle’s engine rev up and sure enough the impatient driver decided to pass me on the right. It was a stupid and unsafe move on his part that could have ended in an accident if I had not “heard” him because he moved into a blind spot and I would not have seen him. It was also ridiculous on his part as we both ended up waiting at the same light half a block ahead.

After the relief of a near miss, I was quite angered at this motorcycle driver as it is his kind of driving that gives motorcycle enthusiasts a bad rep and leads to accidents. If I would have had the opportunity to tell him so, I would have.

Next on my agenda yesterday was a trip to my audiologist to participate in a study regarding cochlear implant use. That involves a 40 mile drive to another city. I was ready early and thinking about leaving early when I decided to read the newspaper instead. Funny how the timing of things sometimes works out to put us in a certain place  at a certain time.

After reading the newspaper, I headed out. I was barely out of town on a county road heading for the highway when the SUV in front of me crossed into the oncoming lane, came back across both lanes, went into the ditch and rolled completely over. As I was pulling over, I was reaching into my purse for my cell phone and was on the line with 911 in a matter of seconds. I didn’t think, “Will I be able to hear them? Can I do this?” I just did. Another car pulled over and the man asked if I was on the line with 911 and I said, “Yes.” He proceeded ahead of me to the car to check on the driver. She appeared to be fine with only minor injuries. I stayed on the line with 911 to give them directions to where we were. 

Before my CI, I might have hit the motorcycle. Deaf people are very good drivers, but without sound we rely solely on our vision. Also before my CI, I wouldn’t have had a cell phone to call 911 after witnessing the rollover. I still would have stopped to help, but my assistance would have been very restrained by my limited communication.

It was a dramatic day with a roller coaster of emotions: relief, anger, shock, concerned panic, and relief again. As I finally calmed, relaxed and enjoyed the rest of the day, I thought, “It feels good to feel normal.”

Final Meow

I didn't know when I was writing about hearing Elvis that I would soon be saying good-bye. Our beloved pet had developed a tumor on his liver and stomach. We said good-bye today and sent him to his rest.

Name That Kitty

This is my cat. We brought him home in June of 1995 when he was about six weeks old. With five family members trying to come up with just the right name and not agreeing on anything, he lived with us for three days as “Kitty.” At that point, I just thought it was terrible that we had not named him yet, so I began to question the family to try to come up with something. I could not hear him, so I asked, “What does he sound like?” My husband and kids said he had kind of a high pitched, squeaky meow, and since he was a kitty, that description seemed right to me. Mittens, Streak, Phantom, none of the names we were coming up with seemed to suit him.

On the evening of the third day, my youngest daughter was playing with our still unnamed kitty when an advertisement for an Elvis CD came on the television. At that point, I suggested to the family, “Should we name him Elvis?” There were no objections, only smiles. So the kitty finally had a name, Elvis.

When we got Elvis I was wearing the strongest analog hearing aids I could be fitted with, but I could not hear my new kitten’s meow. He was a cute, playful kitten, so I enjoyed everything else about him; his adorable face, pretty eyes and really soft fur. I did not hear Elvis until after I was hooked-up with my first cochlear implant in September of 2001 when he was six years old.

Elvis is 14 now and I have listened to him greet, complain, beg, scold and give his opinion for eight years now and I am grateful for every “meow” I hear. He still has a high-pitched squeaky meow and he likes to use his voice. If I could have heard him when we were naming him, he might be called “Squeak”.

Pots and Pans Band

We opened up our lake cabin Mother’s Day weekend. My daughter, son-in-law and two grandsons surprised us with a last minute decision to join us for the weekend. It was really great and we had a good time.

It was especially nice for Paul to have some help putting in the dock and the grandson’s desire to go for a boat ride was a great motivator to get the boats in the water and running. It was a wonderful start to what I hope will be a sunny and warm summer.

This first weekend though was a bit cool and kept the boys inside more. We don’t keep a lot of toys at the cabin, so it didn’t take long for the boys to start looking for new interests. I decided to pull out an old standby. The pots and pans band! I never would have done this when I was a hearing aid wearer. Hearing aids amplified the sound in such a way that some things were uncomfortable. The sound with my cochlear implants is so comfortably natural that I didn’t give the idea of the boys pounding away on pots and pans a second thought.

My daughter was a little puzzled when I said, “Isn’t it interesting how the different shapes of pans make such different sounds.” I reminded her there was a time when some sounds were all the same to me.

With wooden spoons in hand
The little boys tapped a pot then a pan
To their own rhythmless beat they did drum
Not yet a tune anyone could hum
But the joy of two boys and their make believe band playing the kitchen pots and pans!

Are You Listening?

My daughter called me this evening and she was frustrated with the communication in her family. She is married and has a step-daughter age 11 and two boys 5 and 15 months. She was frustrated with her husband’s and 5-year-old son’s listening skills, or lack of. She also felt like they were indicating that she was the one that was unrealistic with her expectations.

We talked at length about why she has the expectations that she has and of course I don’t think they are unrealistic, but they are different from her husband’s for obvious reasons. She grew up with a hearing impaired parent and he did not. We practiced communication courtesies that other households can get by without.

When my girls were growing up, as my hearing worsened over the years, we, as a family, had to make adjustments. It became impossible for me to understand what a person was saying if I could not see his or her face. We stopped the practice of a raised voice trying to get someone’s attention from another room. Although the girls sometimes tried to get me to come to them with a loud, “MOM,” we worked on enforcing the rule that if they had something to say to me, they had to come to me. In return, when I could, I stopped what I was doing and listened.

Going to another room in the house or up the stairs to talk with someone may not sound like such a big deal, or stopping to listen, but if you have to stop what you are doing every time one of your 3 children needs to talk to you, a simple task like cleaning up the dinner dishes can take 3 times longer than it would if you could talk while you work. I remember many evenings when the dinner conversation continued on into clean up time and stopping half way to the dishwasher with dishes in my hands to look at the daughter that was speaking to me. Sometimes, it felt like this simple chore took up half the evening.

There is a plus side though. The benefits of our focused communication far outweighed the increased time it took to get some things done. My girls knew when they had my attention, because I would be looking right at them. Wondering if I heard what they said was rare because they usually had to confirm it during the conversation. Distractions were not allowed because then I would not be able to hear, so the TV was muted or off and there was no background music playing on the radio or cd player. One complaint or argument you never heard in our household was, “You never listen to me!” We listened intently.

Our children’s teen years were not without problems. We were just like everyone else, but I think more tuned in. This allowed us to recognize problems early on. My keen sense of body language allowed me to realize when there were health issues that needed attention and might have gone unnoticed in a family with different dynamics. In this respect, my hearing loss was a blessing.

I’m sure you have heard it before and I’m sure you will hear it again, “communication is key in healthy relationships.” It is not too much to expect to be listened to.

Stunning - Susan Boyle

I have watched this YouTube piece several times now and I just can't seem to get enough. Like Piers says, this woman's performance of "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables is stunning. As Amanada said, it truly is a privilege to hear that , and the faces that Simon makes are priceless. He is fun to watch when he is impressed.

It is such an incredible joy to be able to "hear" a performance like that. To be able to hear the pureness of each note, the accent and the dynamics she put into her presentation. Watching the YouTube piece left me wanting more and I will definitely be watching for more from Susan Boyle.

It also left me feeling, once again, very grateful for my bionic ear; for the advances that have been made in inventions and medicine that allow me to hear with this amazing quality. All I have to do to know the alternative is take off my processors and there I am in the silence. What a relief and a blessing that I don't have to live the rest of my life in that place.

The title links to a closed captioned version of Susan Boyle's performance so you don't have to miss the dialogue. The button to turn on the closed captioning is the arrow pointing up in the lower right hand corner of the video window. If you decide to take a look, I hope you enjoy the performance as much as I did.

Spring Song

I started spring cleaning yesterday. It is not warm enough to open the windows yet, so I was working in my closed up house dusting out window sills when I heard his song. The male cardinal singing to his girl. It is such a beautiful song and I could hear it through the window. Wow - I could hear it through the window with my bionic ears.

We have a pair of cardinals that seem to come back here each spring. Last year I almost succeeded in getting a good picture of the male and this year I plan to. He is beautiful with his bright red feathers. His girl is a little harder to spot. With nature's natural protection for the mother of the offspring, she has browner feathers and blends in with the trees. I love watching these two flit around our yard and even better, I love that I can hear them. 

With the joyful sounds, come the annoying sounds and when I hear the squawking of the blackbird, I smile to myself and think, "Ah, yes, I must hear him too." And I remember when I couldn't hear him at all and I thank God for the blackbird's call.

It seems that I write about hearing birds a lot. With my hearing loss starting in the high frequencies, they were one of the first sounds that I lost, so I didn't hear them for over 20 years. It wasn't something that I dwelled on or thought a lot about, but since I have gotten that hearing back, I simply cannot take it for granted and continue to be amazed.

It is finally spring and with it comes nature's choir. Sometimes it is the hard rock of a blackbird's squawk, or the simple twitter of a sparrow, or the beautiful song of a bright red cardinal singing to his girl.

Mentors

Smiles and laughter, voices strong
A room full of friends with a common bond
Relationships growing, new and old
Lives changing from quiet to bold
Brought together in life
Because of stories we share
Paying it forward because we care
A new hand needs holding
A tear has been shed
We reach out and answer
To concerns we have read
Comfort our goal and hope we bring
To the pain and sadness the voices ring
We know the hardships
And we have come through
So we offer our knowledge to those that are new
Raising each other
To new heights we soar
Because when you give
You get back even more

Yesterday I returned from a weekend training session for Bionic Ear Association mentors. It was held at the Advanced Bionics offices in Valencia, CA. Cochlear implant recipients along with parents of children with cochlear implants were brought together to learn more: about AB’s implants; the numbers of people with profound to severe hearing loss; and how we can educate and help others with hearing issues.

The weekend carried a lot of impact, touching me in many ways. There was the impact of meeting people in person that I had only met through the internet. It took a lot of hugging to get caught up! Then there was the impact of making new connections, all of them strong. In the trainings, the impact of the up-to-date statistics regarding hearing loss was eye-opening and being given tools to share more effectively was exciting. Visiting the plant where the cochlear implants are made had an impact all its own. I haven’t yet discovered a word to describe how it felt to be where they built the devices that allow me to hear.

It was a wonderful opportunity and I am grateful for the people I met and all that I learned. Now I hope to put old and new knowledge to good use mentoring others with hearing loss.

Not a Minute Too Soon

I can hear the ticking of the clock on the wall

I can hear your footsteps as you walk down the hall

I can hear the laughter of the children in their room

The sounds of life came back to me not a minute too soon

My sadness overwhelmed me as my ears began to die

I often asked the Lord, if He could tell me why

But then He showed me there was hope up ahead

And to a hearing miracle my heart and life were led

I sat alone in silence for a period of time

The Lord, He said to me, “There is no reason why

But the lessons you will learn, and the things that you will know

Will settle in your mind and make your heart grow”

So I waited for the Lord to show me the way

I trusted He would take me where my heart was meant to stay

He walked me from the silence and back to the sound

And here I am again, my life is being found

I can hear the ticking of the clock on the wall

I can hear your footsteps as you walk down the hall

I can hear the laughter of the children in their room

The sounds of life came back to me not a minute too soon

Bird Talk

First, an update, my mother is doing well and statistics regarding sudden hearing loss seem to be in her favor. I think she is bothered more by the tinnitus than the loss of hearing as it is probably more noticeable. The tinnitus she is experiencing is intermittent and before I left, she seemed to think it was getting better and that maybe a little of her hearing had come back. She sees her doctor for a recheck in a few days. She also contacted a friend with hearing loss and asked about her experience. It turns out that it is similar to what my mom is going through. I’m glad she has someone to talk to as my hearing loss experience is very different from a sudden loss.

My sister went with me to visit our parents and I picked her up as it was on the way from where I live. In the past, I would have handed her the keys and asked her to drive so we could visit. Before my cochlear implants, I would do that so I could read lips, which is difficult to do when you are keeping your eyes on the road, so I would often ask whomever I was with to drive. After my first cochlear implant, which is on my left side, I would be arranging people so I could hear them easier or using a nifty little remote microphone that I would have pinned to my sister’s clothing and then plugged it into my behind the ear (BTE) piece so I could hear her. Those were adjustments I needed to make before being bilateral. Wow – being bilateral. I drove, we talked, no problems.

I had one other CI moment that was fun. The weather was warming and we had a spring like day, so my sister, my mother and I walked over to a nearby mall. While we were there, we stopped in a pet store to look at the puppies. As I was oohing and aahing over the cute little animals, I could hear birds chirping behind me. I turned around to see a beautiful yellow cockatiel singing to me. I puckered up and gave it a whistle back and he returned his song, so I whistled again. We were going back and forth like that and I was thoroughly enjoying being able to hear him and hear myself whistle back, when I glanced over my shoulder and noticed my mother watching us and smiling. Not too long ago, my mother shared with me that she is still amazed at what my bionic ears do for me. I love that she was able to witness that moment and share the joy.

My mother called...

My mother called this weekend and shared with me that she couldn’t hear the dial tone on the phone as well with her left ear as she could with her right and she was also hearing a funny shwooshing sound in her left ear. She said it had just started a few days ago. Up until this point, she has enjoyed excellent hearing.

I have heard many stories about causes of hearing loss having participated in forums for hearing impaired. I told my mother that she needed to be seen by a doctor right away, first to rule out wax or fluid build up. If those things are ruled out, then they might need to treat her for conditions that need immediate treatment to save the hearing.

My mother is healthy at 73, but not assertive. She did see her doctor today and there was no wax or fluid. The doctor couldn’t see anything. She made an appointment for her to see an ENT in 17 days. When my mother called me back to report, I was upset. I said, “You have to be seen today.” She called her doctor back and they managed to move it up 7 days. In the mean time, I called my doctor’s nurse and told her what was going on. She told me what I knew to be right. My mother needed to be seen right away. As I was preparing to call my mother to get the name of her doctor and nurse, so I could get on the phone with these people, my mother called back with news. The nurse had called her back and made room on the schedule for her, but she had to come in right away.

She had already been there and been tested when we connected on the phone. Unfortunately her test showed a significant drop in the left ear. Her right ear remains normal. This did allow them to see that it was not a slow age related decline and they needed to consider what else might be going on, so next she saw the doctor.

The doctor talked to her about the window of treatment that may reverse the loss. Hopefully they were within the time frame of the window. He talked about it being 48 hours and the information I found on the internet indicated that it may be as long as two weeks. The doctor treated her with a steroid shot in the eardrum and wants to test her again in one week. Now we wait and hope.

At one point she said to me, “I don’t want to lose more of my hearing.” I sensed she had a hard time saying those words to me. I told her I don’t want her to lose any more of her hearing either. I love my cochlear implants, but I don’t want my mother to need them too. However, if it did come to that – Thank God they have been invented.

I will be driving the 400 miles to my parent’s house for a visit tomorrow. I will be trying to make the trip more often this year. They are traveling less and I need to see them more.

Moving on to the good...

Poetry helped me dump my sad feelings when I was losing my hearing. So did smoking. I used to blow my negative feelings away in a puff of smoke. I stopped that eight years ago. Poetry is healthier.

To read my writing, you would think I’m a glass-half-empty kind of person. Really I’m not. My mother once said that I was born with rose-colored glasses on. It is kind of like “the tears of a clown, when there is no one around.” I can write about my sadness, resentment and anger, but if you walk into the room I’m in, I will smile and enjoy your company exuding happiness and well wishes.

I love people. I used to be a cosmetologist. Making people feel good with a new haircut, or fresh color was a joy. I had a lot of children customers because I was so patient with them, their parents would bring them back to me. When I started to miss conversation with the children and I would see confusion on their faces, it broke my heart. I came to realize that they had said something I missed. Often and typical of a child, when I asked them what they had said, they wouldn’t bother to repeat it. The last thing I wanted to do was make a child feel insignificant.

My time as a cosmetologist was brief, about three years. My main career was being a mother to our three daughters. I have made a lot of shifts in my life, trying to adjust to my hearing situation. The changes were always made with a positive attitude.

One of the things I have discovered by sharing what I have written, is that I’m not alone with my feelings. People have shared with me that I helped them to discover what they were feeling when they were having trouble putting a name to it. I don’t want to bring people down. I want to buoy them up and leave them feeling good. But sometimes we have to allow ourselves to feel our sadness or anger so we can move on to the good.

Poems

Our local newspaper is starting to publish poetry, so I decided to look at some of my poems to see if I had anything that I want to send in. I realized that I had a couple that I had not posted on my blog that relate to hearing loss, so I thought I would post them.

What Will Be The Music?

In the early morning
When the sun is rising high
I can't hear the birds sing
at that beautiful blue sky.

And when the leaves are falling softly
and settling on the ground
In the autumn of my life
I cannot hear the sound.

But my eyes take in the colors
and the beauty of the birds
And I search my mind for the memories
of everything I've heard.

For what will be the music
in the silence of my life?
Is it the soaring of the bird
in its beautiful soft flight?



Do The Birds Still Sing?

Do the birds still sing?
I cannot tell.
Do telephones ring?
I don't hear the bell.
Do children sing?
I know they yell.

The sound is fading
and I'm not old.
Why does it go?
Nobody knows.
In the silence
what will I find?
A flower blooms
in quiet time.
Find the flower
for me to see,
Blooming quietly.

God help me
I am so scared.
I'm afraid I'll forget
what I have heard.
In the silence will I know,
all the music I love so?
The voices of my caring friends,
will this all come to a silent end?

How Would You Know, My Feelings Didn't Show

Stoic: accepting pains or hardships calmly or without complaint; not feeling or showing emotion.

I wrote a poem called "How Could You Not Know?" that came from my feelings regarding my hearing loss and music, particularly at family gatherings. I grew up in a musical family and until I was 17 I sang in choirs at church and school. It was at that point that my hearing loss became noticeable and affected what I could hear of my own voice while singing with a group, so I stopped singing in choir and group situations.

Often at family gatherings after the meal, family members that played guitar or violin would take out their instruments and begin playing and singing. Because of my hearing loss, I never attempted to join in and over time it became increasingly difficult to enjoy listening to the music. I suppose at first I was frustrated for the reason that I felt I couldn’t participate because of my impaired hearing. And there was jealousy of those who could and did. Later, when I had hearing aids it stopped sounding good, so it became my habit to simply slip away into some corner, visit with somebody who didn’t care about the music, and ignore the entertainment.

After I wrote the poem, "How Could You Not Know?" I printed a copy and sent it with a letter to my parents. When my mother and I talked about it, I was a bit taken aback when she said, “I didn’t know music was that important to you.” In my surprise, I did not respond, but simply changed the subject. I felt a little hurt, she is my mother - how could she not know?

I decided to give my feelings some time and thought. Later that day, I found I was seriously looking for an answer to that question. How was it that my mother did not know how I felt? And I realized I didn’t tell her. I didn’t show my feelings to her or very many others for that matter. I had been stoic where my hearing loss was concerned.

I denied my hearing loss in other ways as well and put on a rather good show. If someone told a joke and I missed the punch line, I often laughed when everyone else laughed instead of admitting that I didn’t hear it. I smiled and nodded and mimicked their emotion and I got away with it most of the time. What else could I do? I couldn’t run around being sad and angry all the time. And nobody wants to be the downer at a good party.

When you have experienced bringing a happy group down, you stop doing what it was that you did. You stop participating in group games where missing an answer might lose one for the team and simply excuse yourself to refill your drink or get another snack. If you can’t participate or share in the happy fellowship, you slip away quietly to a corner or go home. Happy gatherings are not the place where you show your hardships. So how would anybody know how I felt if I was masking my emotions with a ready smile – being stoic?

I used to tell my girls when they were growing up, “If you don’t tell me what is wrong, I can’t find a way to help.” Sometimes it is hard to tell, hard to find a way. Or you think, why talk about it, they can’t do anything anyway. What would it have mattered if my family knew how hard it was for me to watch them enjoying their music? I certainly didn’t want them to stop. I didn’t want to take away their joy, so I was stoic.

All of that is fading into the past now as I enjoy listening to music again with my cochlear implants. I’m still having a hard time joining in with the family music. It feels like I’m expected to listen and enjoy when my heart really wants to sing, but I don’t yet have the confidence that I can match my voice with the notes. I missed out for so many years, it’s not like I can jump right in.

Writing poetry is my music.

It makes it so I can let my feelings show
It picks me up when I’m feeling low
It makes my world feel alright
It comforts me at night

It releases me from an emotional hold
It allows me to lighten that load
It makes my world happy and bright
It brings me sunshine and moonlight

It puts some things away for me
It allows me freedom to see
It releases me from all that’s past
It moves me on, I’m free at last.

Found Sound

It was a beautiful day and I decided to take advantage of it and go for walk. I grabbed my camera with the hope of getting some good pictures and headed towards a park with a waterfall. Unfortunately, when I got to the park, the light was too low for anything special and the waterfall was not running yet.

All was not lost. Although the pictures I did take aren’t very good, the memory of that walk will stay with me always. I’ll tell you why. Just before I got to the park, I heard the beautiful whistle of a bird - a bird call that I had not singled out before. I could hear birds with one implant, but with two there is a finer quality allowing me to distinguish different birds. Even more awesome than hearing the bird, I automatically turned to where I thought the sound was coming from to see the bird, and there it was right in my line of vision. It was automatic and I turned in the right direction. I’m still having a hard time believing it. I took a picture of the bird, but before I could get a good focus, it flew away.

Feeling just wonderful and wishing there were more birds to hear, I continued to the park. Even though the waterfall had no water and the sun was getting low I took a few pictures anyway and then headed home.

As I emerged from the park, I heard a beautiful tinkling in the breeze and once again I turned toward the sound. I was thrilled to see a chime hanging on the back of the house I was looking at because now I knew for sure I had direction. And I was hearing a chime!

Birds, chimes – it amazes me. My hearing loss started in the high tones and birds were one of the first sounds I lost. To have these sounds back, the sounds that have been gone the longest (more than 25 years), is fabulous, amazing, awesome, great. Being able to locate the sound is frosting on the cake!!!

Do we really mean to say "congratulations"?

Do we really mean to say “congratulations” to someone who has just qualified for a cochlear implant? I don’t mean any offense to the people that say this, because I know the spirit it which the “congratulations” are given, but I do want to talk about this for a bit.

I remember when I qualified and the first person that congratulated me. She was someone I worked with and she new this was something I was hoping for – but it did not feel right to be congratulated. I arrived to the point of qualifying for a cochlear implant with very mixed emotions and a large part was sadness. My hearing was so far gone this was my only hope and the last resort.

Whenever I see someone congratulating another for qualifying, I cringe a little bit. I will wish them well and I will pray for them and send them positive thoughts as they pursue better hearing and sound, but I can’t bring myself to say “congratulations.” After all, getting to this point was a loss of the hearing they may have had or never had at all.

Maybe I’m being too sensitive and maybe it is okay when someone who has a cochlear implant congratulates someone that qualifies. It is like saying, “Welcome to the community.” For myself, that is what I will say, “Welcome to the community. I wish you well as you pursue better hearing.”

How Could You Not Know?

How could you not know
That it cut me to my soul

When you sat there singing strong
And others played along

You looked me in the eyes
Yet you never wondered why

I felt such a deep hurt
You even acted curt

How could you not know
That it cut me to my soul

If I were blind and couldn’t see
Then you’d be singing with me

My voice would be strong
And maybe we’d get along

How could you not know
That it cut me to my soul

For I have music within
It stayed with me like sin

But I felt no remorse
When I couldn’t sing the chorus

I just hurt deep inside
Where my music resides

How could you not know
That it cut me to my soul

When you sat there singing strong
And others played along

How could you not know?

My Hearing Loss

Recently on Hearing Journey, one of the moderators asked participants to post to the question, "How did you lose your hearing?" My original article about my hearing loss is titled "How Many Times Do I Have To Grieve?" and is the first post on this blog. I felt it is too long to post on Hearing Journey. I have written about my loss several times and decided to do something different this time. Below is the poem I wrote:

My Hearing Loss

Although it was suspected, when I was just a girl,
It wasn’t checked until later, how much I could hear.
At the Junior High School, when I was a young teen,
Machines were brought for testing and a mass screening.
One day they called a list of names, over the intercom,
It was a mix of boys and girls, and not real long.
We gathered with the counselor, to each of us he spoke,
Asking if we knew, our hearing might be broke.
Because I didn’t know, it had to be told,
He gave me a letter, for my parents to hold.
I put it in my math book, and walked home slow,
I was carrying news, that made me feel low.
My mother said to me, “What took you so long?”
I handed her the letter, feeling like a Blue’s song.
She read it very carefully, then she made a plan,
She called the local clinic, and I would see a man.
He looked into my ears and throat, and whispered across the room,
Sent me for hearing tests, I could feel the gloom.
He said I had a hearing loss, but would it stay the same?
Only time would tell, this was not a game.
The school years passed, and I did my best,
Sitting at the front of class, studying for the tests.
Then it was time to check, my hearing once again,
I had plans for my life, and I was ready to begin.
I went to see the son of the man, young Dr. Young,
And what he had to tell me, really stung.
Your hearing is going, there is more gone,
We can’t help you, and we don’t know how long.
I want to enlist - my country I want to serve!
He said, “They won’t take you, because of your hearing nerve.”
Now what do I do, what jobs can I take?
He said, “Stay away from loud noises, for your hearing’s sake.”
So I worked for the city, putting tickets on cars,
And I thought, this won’t take me very far.
Then I met my husband, my wonder, my love,
We married and had children, gifts from above.
I could still hear the babies, when they cried in the night,
But not the birds that sang, before they took flight.
New doctors gave me hope, with a hearing aid, then two,
So I could hear my children, as they grew.
Then one day, my hearing was so small,
I thought that my eyes, would have to do it all.
But something came along, it was kind of new,
And the doctor said, “Maybe this will work for you.”
You will have to have surgery, go under the knife,
But if you are willing, it could change your life.
I said, “I want to do this, I really want to hear.”
And the surgery was scheduled, that very year.
There were several implants, companies had made,
The doctor said, “Pick one, before your surgery day.”
So I read and I studied, and I asked around,
I picked Advanced Bionics, to bring me sound.
In 2001, after all the strife,
It was a new beginning, for my hearing life.
The rain and the birds, are a wonder to hear,
I love this miracle, called the bionic ear.

Mapping Back

I had a mapping on December 16th, 2008. The allergy issue is still present and I was taking medications to control the symptoms when I was mapped that day. Because I was feeling good and my symptoms were under control, my audiologist suggested that I try the map I had before the allergies started to affect my hearing in October. She turned it on and to my surprise and my audi's too, it sounded good. Good enough to keep. We made some volume adjustments and made that my main map. She then made a crowd noise map from that one for slot 2 and finally for slot 3, she recommended we keep the map we made when my allergy symptoms had flared. I agreed, but I was thinking I probably wouldn't need it. Ha! To my surprise, I turned it on that very evening. I was relaxing in front of a movie on the TV when the sound became loud and distorted sounding. I was trying to figure out what was going on when I realized that the allergy medication I had taken that day had probably worn off. I was only half way through the movie and irritated that my hearing had changed that much when I remembered I had the other map in slot 3. Switching to the other map made enough of a difference that I was able to enjoy the rest of the movie. This was a better alternative than taking more medication at the end of the day when I would rather not (it sometimes affects my sleep cycle). I was glad I had the map as an option.

I'm not one to switch from map to map very often, but it is nice to have choices when I think of using them. I need to be more thoughtful about controlling my hearing in different situations and hopefully I will be more mindful of my options in the coming year.

Happy New Year!