Making a Come Back

While at a holiday party this past winter, I found out that our local theater was planning to do the stage show “Jesus Christ Superstar.” I had seen this show before my hearing loss was diagnosed progressive and when I still had almost normal hearing. It is one of my favorite musicals. 

When my daughters were in marching band I did a lot of volunteer sewing for the color-guard. I was missing the sewing and creating that goes into putting together a show so I decided to volunteer to help with costuming LTO’s (Little Theater of Owatonna) production of “Jesus Christ Superstar.”  About a month ago we got started on the process and I have been going to the theater a couple nights a week. I’m sewing costumes for five of the characters. 

This evening I happened to be walking into the theater on my way to the costuming room when the cast was singing the “Hosannah” song. I stopped to listen and was completely drawn in. It was beautiful. I sat down and ended up staying for quite awhile as they continued to run the scene. 

Although I have had my cochlear implants for quite a few years, giving me a fair share of CI moments (as we cochlear implant users call them), this was another CI moment  in a couple of ways. First, hearing the voices raised in song as they carried through the theater was awesome. You see, the last time I attended a production in that theater, my youngest daughter was playing a major role in “The Crucible” and my hearing was so bad that I had to read the script before going to see her perform. I had stopped going to plays there because I couldn’t get the dialogue on my own. Being able to hear and understand songs in this theater that I stopped going to many years ago felt almost unbelievable.

The second moment is a little different in nature as it goes beyond hearing. I lost my hearing gradually over 30 years and little by little I gave up activities and relationships in my life as I became uncomfortable with my inability to hear. It was easier to shrink my world than it was to battle the challenges of communication I faced every day. I looked around the theater at the people noting friends from many years ago and the new friends I’m making and realized that I am no longer minimizing my world. I’m growing it, jumping in, and just like the stage production of “Jesus Christ Superstar,” I’m making a come back. 

Subtle changes...mean a lot to me.

In my previous post, I wrote about my recent mapping and the fact that it had been almost two years since my last mapping. There I described some of the changes that were made and used the terms; some gains, and small adjustments. In day to day hearing, subtle changes to a map might not be that notable, but today I had the chance to listen to a CD while in the car for about 50 minutes. The difference in the music was enough to choke me up. In the sound of music the changes were very notable. 

I was listening to Styx Live. This CD is different from a studio recording. Some of the songs are longer and they talk in between sets. I used to skip around if the song was too long and I couldn’t always hear what they were saying when they talked because of the crowd noise. The music and talking sounded so good today, I didn’t want to miss a thing. 

It will be a joy listening to my music collection. There are all kinds of new sounds there! This motivates me to continue to reach for perfect bionic hearing. Though it may be in small steps - every gain counts. I know the perfect bionic ear is coming. If not in my lifetime, maybe yours.

Silver Wings

While driving home from work today, I was listening to a CD that I put together a couple of years ago with a variety of songs on it. About ten minutes into my 40 minute commute, I heard what seemed like wind or a whistle in my car. I remember thinking, “Oh great, my car is making a new sound.” As I focused and tried to figure out what was making this new sound, I came to realize it was in the music! I muted the CD player and it went away, so I turned it back on and listened. I played the song again and really listened. Is it a piccolo or strings? I listened again - I think it is strings! It is a whole orchestra and I can hear the strings! I have been looking on YouTube trying to find the version of the song I was listening to, but I’m not finding it. The song is “The Ballad of the Green Beret.” I am hearing the soft start up of the strings when they begin the crescendo at the words “silver wings.”

I have had my implants 9 years on the left and 3 years on the right and I am still experiencing improvement! I have been procrastinating about scheduling a mapping thinking there hasn’t been enough change to warrant an appointment with my audiologist, but now I’m thinking otherwise.

One of my earliest memories of really knowing that there were things I could not hear was in 9th grade typing class. I never did hear a typewriter bell. How I ever got through that class with a B, I will never know. As I was enjoying hearing more of a song I have liked probably since I was in 9th grade, I was thinking that my cochlear implants give me such wonderful hearing it just might be possible to hear better than normal someday.

Trusting My Ears

We had our piano tuned in November. When the girls come home, they enjoy playing some of their favorite songs as well as Christmas music and complain if the piano hasn’t been tuned, so this year I did manage to get the tuning scheduled and done.

While trimming the Christmas tree, I started thinking about the Christmas concert at the high school and the tradition they have carried out for many years of singing “Beautiful Savior” to close the concert. They invite choir alumni on stage to sing this hymn with the present choir and then the audience is invited to join in for the final verse.

I was never a soloist, but I participated in choir at high school and church through my junior year. Now with my cochlear implants, I have been trying to listen to my own voice and get the confidence back to sing. Since the piano had recently been tuned, I decided to pick out the melody of “Beautiful Savior” and try matching my voice to the notes. My thoughts were, “My piano is in tune, my hearing is great with my cochlear implants, this should work.”

As I picked my way through the first verse, I felt I was doing pretty good at matching my voice to the notes, but it sounded a bit off. I stopped singing and played the melody one note at a time and one spot sounded off to me, so I played the top two notes at a time, still off. Because I was unsure if I could trust my digital ears to be an accurate judge of whether or not a piano is in tune, I asked my husband when he came home to listen to the notes I was playing and tell me what he thought. To my surprise he said, “Yep, that one note sounds like it could be a little off.”

I emailed our piano tuner and he said he would come back and check it out. Our piano was Paul’s mother’s and is quite old. This piano has not been tuned regularly in the past ten years so it is not unusual for the tuning not to hold. The piano tuner came back, made some adjustments and now it sounds as good as the old piano can.

I have known for a while now that I would prefer a new digital piano and someday I hope to have one. From this old piano I learned that my new hearing is pretty awesome and I can trust what I think I hear. I remember the notes and how they are suppose to sound and my brain sings in tune. Now if my ears and my brain and my voice would all work together - maybe I could be that soloist I have always wanted to be. (*Dream*)

Pots and Pans Band

We opened up our lake cabin Mother’s Day weekend. My daughter, son-in-law and two grandsons surprised us with a last minute decision to join us for the weekend. It was really great and we had a good time.

It was especially nice for Paul to have some help putting in the dock and the grandson’s desire to go for a boat ride was a great motivator to get the boats in the water and running. It was a wonderful start to what I hope will be a sunny and warm summer.

This first weekend though was a bit cool and kept the boys inside more. We don’t keep a lot of toys at the cabin, so it didn’t take long for the boys to start looking for new interests. I decided to pull out an old standby. The pots and pans band! I never would have done this when I was a hearing aid wearer. Hearing aids amplified the sound in such a way that some things were uncomfortable. The sound with my cochlear implants is so comfortably natural that I didn’t give the idea of the boys pounding away on pots and pans a second thought.

My daughter was a little puzzled when I said, “Isn’t it interesting how the different shapes of pans make such different sounds.” I reminded her there was a time when some sounds were all the same to me.

With wooden spoons in hand
The little boys tapped a pot then a pan
To their own rhythmless beat they did drum
Not yet a tune anyone could hum
But the joy of two boys and their make believe band playing the kitchen pots and pans!

Stunning - Susan Boyle

I have watched this YouTube piece several times now and I just can't seem to get enough. Like Piers says, this woman's performance of "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables is stunning. As Amanada said, it truly is a privilege to hear that , and the faces that Simon makes are priceless. He is fun to watch when he is impressed.

It is such an incredible joy to be able to "hear" a performance like that. To be able to hear the pureness of each note, the accent and the dynamics she put into her presentation. Watching the YouTube piece left me wanting more and I will definitely be watching for more from Susan Boyle.

It also left me feeling, once again, very grateful for my bionic ear; for the advances that have been made in inventions and medicine that allow me to hear with this amazing quality. All I have to do to know the alternative is take off my processors and there I am in the silence. What a relief and a blessing that I don't have to live the rest of my life in that place.

The title links to a closed captioned version of Susan Boyle's performance so you don't have to miss the dialogue. The button to turn on the closed captioning is the arrow pointing up in the lower right hand corner of the video window. If you decide to take a look, I hope you enjoy the performance as much as I did.

Spring Song

I started spring cleaning yesterday. It is not warm enough to open the windows yet, so I was working in my closed up house dusting out window sills when I heard his song. The male cardinal singing to his girl. It is such a beautiful song and I could hear it through the window. Wow - I could hear it through the window with my bionic ears.

We have a pair of cardinals that seem to come back here each spring. Last year I almost succeeded in getting a good picture of the male and this year I plan to. He is beautiful with his bright red feathers. His girl is a little harder to spot. With nature's natural protection for the mother of the offspring, she has browner feathers and blends in with the trees. I love watching these two flit around our yard and even better, I love that I can hear them. 

With the joyful sounds, come the annoying sounds and when I hear the squawking of the blackbird, I smile to myself and think, "Ah, yes, I must hear him too." And I remember when I couldn't hear him at all and I thank God for the blackbird's call.

It seems that I write about hearing birds a lot. With my hearing loss starting in the high frequencies, they were one of the first sounds that I lost, so I didn't hear them for over 20 years. It wasn't something that I dwelled on or thought a lot about, but since I have gotten that hearing back, I simply cannot take it for granted and continue to be amazed.

It is finally spring and with it comes nature's choir. Sometimes it is the hard rock of a blackbird's squawk, or the simple twitter of a sparrow, or the beautiful song of a bright red cardinal singing to his girl.

Poems

Our local newspaper is starting to publish poetry, so I decided to look at some of my poems to see if I had anything that I want to send in. I realized that I had a couple that I had not posted on my blog that relate to hearing loss, so I thought I would post them.

What Will Be The Music?

In the early morning
When the sun is rising high
I can't hear the birds sing
at that beautiful blue sky.

And when the leaves are falling softly
and settling on the ground
In the autumn of my life
I cannot hear the sound.

But my eyes take in the colors
and the beauty of the birds
And I search my mind for the memories
of everything I've heard.

For what will be the music
in the silence of my life?
Is it the soaring of the bird
in its beautiful soft flight?



Do The Birds Still Sing?

Do the birds still sing?
I cannot tell.
Do telephones ring?
I don't hear the bell.
Do children sing?
I know they yell.

The sound is fading
and I'm not old.
Why does it go?
Nobody knows.
In the silence
what will I find?
A flower blooms
in quiet time.
Find the flower
for me to see,
Blooming quietly.

God help me
I am so scared.
I'm afraid I'll forget
what I have heard.
In the silence will I know,
all the music I love so?
The voices of my caring friends,
will this all come to a silent end?

How Would You Know, My Feelings Didn't Show

Stoic: accepting pains or hardships calmly or without complaint; not feeling or showing emotion.

I wrote a poem called "How Could You Not Know?" that came from my feelings regarding my hearing loss and music, particularly at family gatherings. I grew up in a musical family and until I was 17 I sang in choirs at church and school. It was at that point that my hearing loss became noticeable and affected what I could hear of my own voice while singing with a group, so I stopped singing in choir and group situations.

Often at family gatherings after the meal, family members that played guitar or violin would take out their instruments and begin playing and singing. Because of my hearing loss, I never attempted to join in and over time it became increasingly difficult to enjoy listening to the music. I suppose at first I was frustrated for the reason that I felt I couldn’t participate because of my impaired hearing. And there was jealousy of those who could and did. Later, when I had hearing aids it stopped sounding good, so it became my habit to simply slip away into some corner, visit with somebody who didn’t care about the music, and ignore the entertainment.

After I wrote the poem, "How Could You Not Know?" I printed a copy and sent it with a letter to my parents. When my mother and I talked about it, I was a bit taken aback when she said, “I didn’t know music was that important to you.” In my surprise, I did not respond, but simply changed the subject. I felt a little hurt, she is my mother - how could she not know?

I decided to give my feelings some time and thought. Later that day, I found I was seriously looking for an answer to that question. How was it that my mother did not know how I felt? And I realized I didn’t tell her. I didn’t show my feelings to her or very many others for that matter. I had been stoic where my hearing loss was concerned.

I denied my hearing loss in other ways as well and put on a rather good show. If someone told a joke and I missed the punch line, I often laughed when everyone else laughed instead of admitting that I didn’t hear it. I smiled and nodded and mimicked their emotion and I got away with it most of the time. What else could I do? I couldn’t run around being sad and angry all the time. And nobody wants to be the downer at a good party.

When you have experienced bringing a happy group down, you stop doing what it was that you did. You stop participating in group games where missing an answer might lose one for the team and simply excuse yourself to refill your drink or get another snack. If you can’t participate or share in the happy fellowship, you slip away quietly to a corner or go home. Happy gatherings are not the place where you show your hardships. So how would anybody know how I felt if I was masking my emotions with a ready smile – being stoic?

I used to tell my girls when they were growing up, “If you don’t tell me what is wrong, I can’t find a way to help.” Sometimes it is hard to tell, hard to find a way. Or you think, why talk about it, they can’t do anything anyway. What would it have mattered if my family knew how hard it was for me to watch them enjoying their music? I certainly didn’t want them to stop. I didn’t want to take away their joy, so I was stoic.

All of that is fading into the past now as I enjoy listening to music again with my cochlear implants. I’m still having a hard time joining in with the family music. It feels like I’m expected to listen and enjoy when my heart really wants to sing, but I don’t yet have the confidence that I can match my voice with the notes. I missed out for so many years, it’s not like I can jump right in.

Writing poetry is my music.

It makes it so I can let my feelings show
It picks me up when I’m feeling low
It makes my world feel alright
It comforts me at night

It releases me from an emotional hold
It allows me to lighten that load
It makes my world happy and bright
It brings me sunshine and moonlight

It puts some things away for me
It allows me freedom to see
It releases me from all that’s past
It moves me on, I’m free at last.

How Could You Not Know?

How could you not know
That it cut me to my soul

When you sat there singing strong
And others played along

You looked me in the eyes
Yet you never wondered why

I felt such a deep hurt
You even acted curt

How could you not know
That it cut me to my soul

If I were blind and couldn’t see
Then you’d be singing with me

My voice would be strong
And maybe we’d get along

How could you not know
That it cut me to my soul

For I have music within
It stayed with me like sin

But I felt no remorse
When I couldn’t sing the chorus

I just hurt deep inside
Where my music resides

How could you not know
That it cut me to my soul

When you sat there singing strong
And others played along

How could you not know?

Mapping Improves Music

After several months since a mapping, I had started to turn the volume up on my second implant. I was happy to begin to realize some growth with my newly implanted side. So last week on August 5th, I had an appointment with my audiologist. This time there was significant change in my map on the right side, an implant that I have had for nine months. We also mapped the left side, which I have had for seven years, and there was very little change there.

After my appointment, I went to visit family. Initially, there is some adjustment time after a mapping and I hadn’t yet realized the significance of the changes made. After a few hours of visiting with my daughter and her family, I headed home. I started my 40 minute drive and decided to see how music sounded with my new maps. I popped the “Eagles Greatist Hits” CD into the player and started listening. After a couple of songs I realized that it was sounding really good. The “Eagles” was a group I listened to quite a bit before my hearing loss was significant and I realized that my memory of this music might be enhancing what I thought I was hearing. I decided I wanted to give my new sound more of a test. Then I remembered that I had a CD my daughter had given me for Christmas that I had only played a couple of times because I was disappointed with how it sounded. The CD is “Ultimate Manilow.” I thought to myself, “Let’s see if Barry Manilow sounds any better.” It was amazing. Now I know what his fans fuss about. I could hear the orchestra music in tune and even make out some of the instruments. I could understand more of the words in the vocal. What I was hearing was pure pleasure.

You know what I will be doing in my spare time or when I’m in the car – listening to music, reliving old tunes and learning new.

I Write the Songs
Written by: Bruce Johnston

I've been alive forever, and I wrote the very first song
I put the words and the melodies together
I am music and I write the songs

I write the songs that make the whole world sing
I write the songs of love and special things
I write the songs that make the young girls cry
I write the songs, I write the songs

My home lies deep within you
And I've got my own place in your soul
Now, when I look out through your eyes
I'm young again, even though I'm very old

Oh my music makes you dance
And gives you spirit to take a chance
And I wrote some rock 'n' roll so you can move
Music fills your heart
Well, that's a real fine place to start
It's from me it's for you
It's from you, it's for me
It's a worldwide symphony